It is long past :first light”, as I begin this entry.  I was pulling grass and weeds, at daybreak.  I am an early bird certainly, and tend to slow down as the day slips by. 

I dream big in the mornings- about weeding and  watering, laundry, hanging a birdfeeder and supper.  I am domestic at heart and derive such satisfaction from this work .  Home making is an art and everyone benefits from it.  Things are where they ought to be,  and the  fragrance of clean linens and sometimes a loaf of bread drifts like a song, sung from a happy heart, just inside the back door.  What a spectacular greeting, I think.  If I sound old fashioned, it is because I am.  As it turns out, this is a good thing . . . for today, I had an “exit interview” at the school, that I have worked at for 23 years.   I am still shocked.

It has been an unsettling affair-and heartbreaking, too. Some days I was “gloom and doom”.  I felt banished from something, I helped create.  The financial side of it was daunting.  “Faith the size of a mustard seed,” seemed too much to ask for . . .all has since passed. 

I gained strength from verses that came to me like  sudden showers.    Finally, a friend, wiser than me, asked “Is this a sunrise or a sunset?” That question sent a chorus of bells ringing and seemed to give me  clarity. Maybe, The “mountain” I had been building was just a mole hill and  not nearly as treacherous nor as foreboding , as I had made it out to be.  It was just unfamiliar territory .     Despite my clumsy attempt to “practice what I preach” and my fervor to collect fears of every sort . . .I now have that “peace that passes understanding”.  Perspective is a big factor. I guess, I took the long way around.

This new path will take some time and adjustment.  I do not worry about staying busy.  -nor feeling unfulfilled or a bit less passionate about life.  I do not know what to expect about the financial aspect-and I’m going to stop there, lest I build another mountain for I am good at that. 

So it is a good thing, that scrubbing, dusting and a clothes line give me joy, I think. . . and I might bake a cake on a Tuesday!  Well, time will tell, as it always does. No matter how much I clean the house, it never stays that way for long-and someone is always hungry, so I ought not to worry, that I will run out of this “hobby”.

Other than all that, Mama and I went to the lake last weekend.  We gathered to find out and then celebrate if niece Hayley,  was having a boy or a girl . . .  It is a little girl!  What a happy day! 

This weekend, I am in Elizabeth City with Jenny and the grand daughters.  (Will is out of town.) Lyla finished first grade and was awarded  academic achievements in math and reading, which made all of us happy-but she also received a character award and THAT to me, was the highest honor. Brynn, at four, completed her preschool year and she is glad, for she was “sick of hard work”!  Brynn does know her Bible stories, though . 

Will and Jenny are good parents and that means the world to me. Every visit, leaves me  more convinced of this blessing. I came home on a beautiful day , determined to live joyfully and to accept the blessings that I was too dull to imagine . .   .  I have seen a fair share of “silver  Linings “, after all. 

Now, when I started this diary, it was with the intentions to spread hope and comfort, hence writing about disappointment seems to go against that notion, but the truth is, as much effort as I put in to my own private world, disappointment wiles its’ way in, anyway.  We all come face to face with it at some time and so as heartbreaking as this  is to consider . . . so will my beloved children.  . .and they Are still watching. When they get knocked sideways I want them to have some strategy for recovery.  Stumbling about is not defeat, nor are moments of hopelessness.  And last, but not least,  Me, nor any other human are  fit for pedestals.  . . and especially me.