Just after Christmas, Mama lost her appetite.  She didn’t feel  “at her best” either.  The holidays were so busy- and there was a lot of celebrating   and rich foods . . and there were all sorts of ailments “going around”.  Thankfully, Mama had a checkup appointment scheduled already, so none of us were overly anxious.

  The doctor  thought Mamas’ coloring was “off” and decided to run some tests.  The next day was a Friday.  We got the results that evening.  With her enzymes being way out of a normal range,  I thought she needed her gall bladder removed.  The doctor had scheduled her for a scan, the next week, though. .  maybe to be safe, I thought.   . .and so we drove to a neighboring city, with an elaborate hospital and fine doctors, a few days later.  Within a hour or so, we were driving home.  It was a beautiful winter day, I noticed.  In the absence of crops, the fields were now a vast expanse of  a silent beauty.  . .and blackbirds rested in bare trees.  I love winter.

The next day,  (Friday),  we got the results.  Malignant masses were found in the pancreas.  I read the words over and over, but  the shock remained.  A deafening fear rattled inside of me.  The weekend wait, to talk to the doctor, was marred with agonizing moments that sprang up like brutal traps, no matter how I busied myself.    This all happened, a very long two weeks ago. 

Since then, there have been several more scans, lab work and meetings with specialists. The cancer is confined to the pancreas.  The only treatment option is chemotherapy.  Mama has decided to try it.  My sisters and I are a united, loving force determined to serve and care for our mother, as she has always done for us.

Deep in my heart, I know this is a holy time.  Times like these, though,  are sprinkled  with fright, sorrow and an anxious  state that abides with a cruel steadfastness.  Still, there are some moments when beauty shines like a beacon in acts of kindness from neighbors, encouraging words, and the  whispered prayers , of so many.   Certainly, we do not walk alone down this wretched path, for not only are we attended with much earthly love, but also Gods’ heavenly love.

Mama lives, where she always has – on a few acres of the  land, that my grandparents farmed.  I can not look in any direction, that a memory  is not conjured up. 

The countryside offers vast views of sky and field and I declare such things restore me.  Most every morning, a heavy frost lies like a sparkling carpet on the rural landscape,  with streaks of crimson at  first light.  . . and how sweet the air is!

Sometimes, I go home for a bit.  Christian tends to the animals and the house The flowers tend to themselves.  The snowdrops are back and the daffodils are sprouting up.  The old oaks are stalwart, as they always are. 

The rabbitpatch is just ten minutes from Mamas’ house and I did lose my job, I can say now,  thankfully.    It seems now clearly, that what seems unplanned events in my life, were always orchestrated so that I could tread in hallowed places to increase my faith.  What, I once considered chaos or “bad timing” or “unfortunate events”, were actually orderly steps tailored with precision, to my needs and I think, for my own greater good.

So now,  I feel like I am in a wilderness of tangled thorns,  tumbling rocks and shadows  . I want to be brave, but some days my quiver is empty and my garments  need mending.  I want to  walk like a warrior, but I feel like   a frightened child, who can’t even get out of the rain.  There is an art to living and I am well aware of that. . but all I have learned and  observed   evades me some days. 

Mama on the other hand, just does her best every day and takes each day as it comes.  She finds something to smile about and does not complain.  I am humbled, by her perseverance. 

It is difficult for me, to write about  anything awful or tragic-  but I can not write a lie.  I know everyone has troubles but I do not find any comfort in that.  I count my blessings, for there are so many . . and the countryside is full of inspiration. Some birds sing in the winter, and the stars shine especially bright.  Standing in their silver light does wonders for my spirit.  

  I am just so dazed, for a few  weeks ago. . . everything seemed fine.