Just after Christmas, Mama lost her appetite. She didn’t feel “at her best” either. The holidays were so busy- and there was a lot of celebrating and rich foods . . and there were all sorts of ailments “going around”. Thankfully, Mama had a checkup appointment scheduled already, so none of us were overly anxious.
The doctor thought Mamas’ coloring was “off” and decided to run some tests. The next day was a Friday. We got the results that evening. With her enzymes being way out of a normal range, I thought she needed her gall bladder removed. The doctor had scheduled her for a scan, the next week, though. . maybe to be safe, I thought. . .and so we drove to a neighboring city, with an elaborate hospital and fine doctors, a few days later. Within a hour or so, we were driving home. It was a beautiful winter day, I noticed. In the absence of crops, the fields were now a vast expanse of a silent beauty. . .and blackbirds rested in bare trees. I love winter.
The next day, (Friday), we got the results. Malignant masses were found in the pancreas. I read the words over and over, but the shock remained. A deafening fear rattled inside of me. The weekend wait, to talk to the doctor, was marred with agonizing moments that sprang up like brutal traps, no matter how I busied myself. This all happened, a very long two weeks ago.
Since then, there have been several more scans, lab work and meetings with specialists. The cancer is confined to the pancreas. The only treatment option is chemotherapy. Mama has decided to try it. My sisters and I are a united, loving force determined to serve and care for our mother, as she has always done for us.
Deep in my heart, I know this is a holy time. Times like these, though, are sprinkled with fright, sorrow and an anxious state that abides with a cruel steadfastness. Still, there are some moments when beauty shines like a beacon in acts of kindness from neighbors, encouraging words, and the whispered prayers , of so many. Certainly, we do not walk alone down this wretched path, for not only are we attended with much earthly love, but also Gods’ heavenly love.
Mama lives, where she always has – on a few acres of the land, that my grandparents farmed. I can not look in any direction, that a memory is not conjured up.
The countryside offers vast views of sky and field and I declare such things restore me. Most every morning, a heavy frost lies like a sparkling carpet on the rural landscape, with streaks of crimson at first light. . . and how sweet the air is!
Sometimes, I go home for a bit. Christian tends to the animals and the house The flowers tend to themselves. The snowdrops are back and the daffodils are sprouting up. The old oaks are stalwart, as they always are.
The rabbitpatch is just ten minutes from Mamas’ house and I did lose my job, I can say now, thankfully. It seems now clearly, that what seems unplanned events in my life, were always orchestrated so that I could tread in hallowed places to increase my faith. What, I once considered chaos or “bad timing” or “unfortunate events”, were actually orderly steps tailored with precision, to my needs and I think, for my own greater good.
So now, I feel like I am in a wilderness of tangled thorns, tumbling rocks and shadows . I want to be brave, but some days my quiver is empty and my garments need mending. I want to walk like a warrior, but I feel like a frightened child, who can’t even get out of the rain. There is an art to living and I am well aware of that. . but all I have learned and observed evades me some days.
Mama on the other hand, just does her best every day and takes each day as it comes. She finds something to smile about and does not complain. I am humbled, by her perseverance.
It is difficult for me, to write about anything awful or tragic- but I can not write a lie. I know everyone has troubles but I do not find any comfort in that. I count my blessings, for there are so many . . and the countryside is full of inspiration. Some birds sing in the winter, and the stars shine especially bright. Standing in their silver light does wonders for my spirit.
I am just so dazed, for a few weeks ago. . . everything seemed fine.
My friend, my heart goes out to you. Your words, “It seems now clearly, that what seems unplanned events in my life, were always orchestrated so that I could tread in hallowed places to increase my faith”, touch my heart and soul. I’m so sorry for your Mama’s diagnosis. I’ve been thinking of you and wondering. Now, I’m joining you in prayer. I’ve been reading a devotional each morning about suffering and how our battle-tested faith becomes our armor as our communion with Christ gets closer There are no words I can give to comfort you other than to say I love you all, your heart, and that I’m going to pray often and hold you dear. Even in sharing this sudden and instantaneous diagnosis, you do it with grace and beauty. Karla 🙏🏻💕
What a gift you give me, in your kind and loving words. It comforts me that you are praying, for prayer is a powerful thing. We are quite kindred in heart, I think. Thank youn so much Karla for conveying your sweet spirit with me. love Michele
Michele, I haven’t stopped praying. I’ve been out for 4 days and will more than likely, be “absent” for several more. It is my blessing to pray and be a support here. Your words are always so beautiful–even in sharing things that are sad and hard, you still find a way to bring us beauty. I believe we are kindred in the heart too, my friend. Much love and hugs. Please give them to your Mom from me, too. ❤️🙏
Harsh news, Michele… I’m sorry this hurdle has come into your lives. You are facing it bravely. One thing you have in abundance is love, and that will tide you over this challenge. Prayers and blessings for you and your family. 🙏🏼 💕
Thank you so much . Bravery is a necessity and most especially, these days, but sadly it comes and goes for me. Your photos help me such beauty all around us and the wonder you capture! They serve me wellthank you. Michele
Oh my. Things do seem to change in a flash. But our Lord is still unchanging and has every thing under control. I do wish you would look into the EESystem.(Energy Enhansment (sp) .) Surely there is one close by ..Go to Unifyhealth.org…. There are some really great things happening. Love you …Prayers of course for all of you.
Thank you. I took your advice. Good info and sound info. I have been ramping up my own emotional, health with nutrition and taking steps to keep my emotional health in balance. Quite an effort, these days. Thank you again. Michele
Having gone through something similar, all I can do is nod in sad concord with your words. How many, many times years ago have I too have looked at the spread of sorrow before me and then back over my shoulder at the past weeks, seeking out some sign that this pain was on its way. That is the way some try to make sense of things, to try and stem the tide of rush just for a bit, till we wobble a little less and our knees hold up a little stronger.
But in the end, your Mama’s got it right, Michele. It is what it is. There’s nothing to do but to seek the rainbow through your tears. Give your Mama the best of your heart and strength – but grieve as much as you need to over the darkness that has invaded your light, for each time you cry or release the pain within in some way, the weight is eased for a bit. That reprieve is important.
You can be sure that I will wait by heaven’s door for your Mama and for all of you.
So very, very sorry. How hard it is to watch someone you love cope with this terrible disease. Pacreatic cancer seems to be on the rise. My guess is that it’s because of environmental factors. When I was young, I knew no one who had pancreatic cancer. Not so today. Best to you and your mom. I am rooting for you in Maine. How wonderful it is that she is surrounded by those who love her.
Yes! I never heard of cancer until I was in my twenties. . .nor alzhiemers. Environment or diet? or both? I love you praying in Maine. thank you and love Michele
I can understand how you are facing this news about your Mum .
I’ve been one who has survived cancer and my wife had to go through these tough times . Prayers and support of family and friends were a blessing and the Lord has been merciful.
I pray that she is brave during this time and you all give her all the support …to see her through . 🙏
You express your thoughts, both happy and sad, so well. Your mother has raised a wonderful brood of daughters. She will be in good hands during her health challenge. Stay strong and keep sharing with your readers. I wish you all the best. (Steve)
rabbitpatchdiarycom 
My friend, my heart goes out to you. Your words, “It seems now clearly, that what seems unplanned events in my life, were always orchestrated so that I could tread in hallowed places to increase my faith”, touch my heart and soul. I’m so sorry for your Mama’s diagnosis. I’ve been thinking of you and wondering. Now, I’m joining you in prayer. I’ve been reading a devotional each morning about suffering and how our battle-tested faith becomes our armor as our communion with Christ gets closer There are no words I can give to comfort you other than to say I love you all, your heart, and that I’m going to pray often and hold you dear. Even in sharing this sudden and instantaneous diagnosis, you do it with grace and beauty. Karla 🙏🏻💕
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What a gift you give me, in your kind and loving words. It comforts me that you are praying, for prayer is a powerful thing. We are quite kindred in heart, I think. Thank youn so much Karla for conveying your sweet spirit with me. love Michele
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Michele, I haven’t stopped praying. I’ve been out for 4 days and will more than likely, be “absent” for several more. It is my blessing to pray and be a support here. Your words are always so beautiful–even in sharing things that are sad and hard, you still find a way to bring us beauty. I believe we are kindred in the heart too, my friend. Much love and hugs. Please give them to your Mom from me, too. ❤️🙏
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Oh my heart goes out to you!
Don’t be afraid.
Love goes on for ever.
Be strong like your mother and comfort her. Xxxxxx
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Thank you Cathy, my friend who dwells in a garden. You never fail to inspire me. love Michele
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listen to good music, read poetry, pray and cook xxx
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Harsh news, Michele… I’m sorry this hurdle has come into your lives. You are facing it bravely. One thing you have in abundance is love, and that will tide you over this challenge. Prayers and blessings for you and your family. 🙏🏼 💕
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Thank you so much . Bravery is a necessity and most especially, these days, but sadly it comes and goes for me. Your photos help me such beauty all around us and the wonder you capture! They serve me wellthank you. Michele
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🙏🏼💜
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Oh my. Things do seem to change in a flash. But our Lord is still unchanging and has every thing under control. I do wish you would look into the EESystem.(Energy Enhansment (sp) .) Surely there is one close by ..Go to Unifyhealth.org…. There are some really great things happening. Love you …Prayers of course for all of you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. I took your advice. Good info and sound info. I have been ramping up my own emotional, health with nutrition and taking steps to keep my emotional health in balance. Quite an effort, these days. Thank you again. Michele
LikeLike
Having gone through something similar, all I can do is nod in sad concord with your words. How many, many times years ago have I too have looked at the spread of sorrow before me and then back over my shoulder at the past weeks, seeking out some sign that this pain was on its way. That is the way some try to make sense of things, to try and stem the tide of rush just for a bit, till we wobble a little less and our knees hold up a little stronger.
But in the end, your Mama’s got it right, Michele. It is what it is. There’s nothing to do but to seek the rainbow through your tears. Give your Mama the best of your heart and strength – but grieve as much as you need to over the darkness that has invaded your light, for each time you cry or release the pain within in some way, the weight is eased for a bit. That reprieve is important.
You can be sure that I will wait by heaven’s door for your Mama and for all of you.
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Thinking of you and your Mom, Michele. Caring and kind thoughts of you and your family. We never know when or where our purpose takes us.
I do believe that it is the most important truth we can recognize in life.
A big hug and love for you, friend.
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Wise words from my dear friend. Thank you so much. . .and you are right. love Michele
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So very, very sorry. How hard it is to watch someone you love cope with this terrible disease. Pacreatic cancer seems to be on the rise. My guess is that it’s because of environmental factors. When I was young, I knew no one who had pancreatic cancer. Not so today. Best to you and your mom. I am rooting for you in Maine. How wonderful it is that she is surrounded by those who love her.
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Yes! I never heard of cancer until I was in my twenties. . .nor alzhiemers. Environment or diet? or both? I love you praying in Maine. thank you and love Michele
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We don’t know yet, but we must keep asking that question and then take steps to do something about it when we know the answer.
Hugs from Maine!
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My heart is with you.
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I am so sorry to read your sad news, Michele. Praying for peace and strength for your mother, you and your loved ones.
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I can understand how you are facing this news about your Mum .
I’ve been one who has survived cancer and my wife had to go through these tough times . Prayers and support of family and friends were a blessing and the Lord has been merciful.
I pray that she is brave during this time and you all give her all the support …to see her through . 🙏
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You express your thoughts, both happy and sad, so well. Your mother has raised a wonderful brood of daughters. She will be in good hands during her health challenge. Stay strong and keep sharing with your readers. I wish you all the best. (Steve)
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Thank you for your kind and comforting words. They gave me confidence to face this season. . . and I could use that. x Michele
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Oh Michele….💔
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Stay strong. Your love for family will guide you.
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