Home is Where I Am

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It is Sunday morning. Birds are singing their morning songs.  Farm Life is quiet and peaceful as it always is on a Sunday.  Tractors and mowers are parked under shelters -Farm Life rests on Sundays.  The rabbit patch kitchen smells  only of coffee as I am not cooking the usual Sunday dinner today.  

I call the 100 year old farm house, I live in, “Sweet home”.  It is  a big enough house to ramble in, and has a sprawling yard around it.  There are several old pecan trees, fig, peach and apple trees-and an ancient grape vine. There is also a pear tree-and a nice garden spot.  Flowers bloom in every place that I can grow them.  The old barns are surrounded by blooms . . and there is the “Quiet Garden”, which is really a rose garden.  Sweet Home is sweet . . .mostly.

I bought the remnants of a farm, now almost twelve years ago.  A lot has happened since.  Tres moved to Wilmington to join his brother and sister.  Grandmama  was living with us til she passed in her early nineties,  Jenny got married and my youngest son, Christian became a young man. . . and Lyla was born.  In the midst of all that, I painted, put up fence, repaired the fence and kept planting flowers and vegetables.  There is a well established herb garden, I tend.  I have cleaned up after several hurricanes and mowed the four acre yard countless hours, for the last twelve years.  I can’t even bear to think about the leaves. Something else happened in the passing years, too-I got older.

Maybe it happened as I was painting pink roses and birds on the barns-or my favorite verses.  Maybe it happened as I canned many gallons of tomatoes or when I snapped the hundreds of bushels of green beans-or cleaned out the many barns or blazed the trail in the young woods.  The truth is, I mostly enjoyed it.  The truth is, I needed this old house, more than it needed me.

Three years ago, my son Tres told me to “sell the house”.  I stammered and felt shaken by it and declared, I could not talk about it right then.  Now, I can.  At first, it seemed so tragic, but Christian told me, “Mom, “Home is where you are.”  All of the kids have said that all my time and money went into this place-and they were right, I realised.  Then Lyla was born, and suddenly, it annoyed me to have a ton of leaves in the yard to spend a week end with.  I became bitter about the whining fences and loose tin on the barns.  My sons are grown and starting careers and I would rather spend time with them than replace doors on barns or being scratched up cutting the thorned vines that grow everywhere, I turn.  I would rather be cooking Sunday dinner, than once again, working on the kitchen floor, as I am this day.

I can finally declare, I m looking for a smaller rabbit patch.  It is not based on a feeling of defeat, but instead confidence.  Christian was right, Home is where, we are.  I do not want to work to maintain empty rooms nor to calculate my life based on what has to be done next to maintain an empty pasture.  My needs have changed-and my desires, too.  

Somewhere, there is a cottage that awaits me.  There will be enough yard to plant flowers and maybe a little bit of picket fence, for the sweet morning glory, to grow on.  There may even be a sidewalk and I hope for an old tree.  I hope to push mow the yard- and geraniums should have a place, too. I am not too old to dream, I have decided.

I profess, whole heartedly, to believe in God.  It should not take great courage for me to know,that I can trust that the right things in the right time will come to pass.  I have learned well, that my sense of timing has been off on more than one occasion, and so I await with “great expectation” for what is next.  I may be at Sweet Home, at Christmas, or I may be hanging the wreath on a  door, unknown to me now.  This is about the only plan, I have.  Goodness, I have spent a fair amount of time, concocting plans, that changed on a dime,  and not many of them turned out as I expected.  I have seen plans work for other folks, and most everybody has them-but my journey has taught me, that I can not dream big enough. It seems the most beautiful events in my life, have unfolded without my foresight.  I also, have made mistakes, that I never planned on.

I am not claiming to have the faith to move mountains.  Unfortunately,  I falter and stumble head first into fearful notions, sometimes.  When I recover, I vow that will be the last time-but it never is.  I am grateful for mercy.

Dear Diary,  I do not have any regrets about living on this rabbit patch, but instead am so very grateful for every minute.   Today, while the stove is cold, I will fix that kitchen floor and I  will think. . .   This old farm has been one of the most beautiful “stepping stones”,  I have ever known and also-“Home is where I am.”

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43 thoughts on “Home is Where I Am

  1. It’s so hard isn’t it? I understand. I put heart and soul and most of my youth into a home in W. WA and then we left it when my husband needed to break away from the rat race. The rats were winning for a while there. We lived in a beautiful setting in the arid mountains of E. OR and I ended up hating it, but see now that it was a huge change for a couple of kids from New England. Now this place back in WA is similar to what we had but we are older and yes, we resent the amount of work it takes. You will find your place, and make it home, by being there–cooking Sunday dinner, hanging out with Lyla, planting flowers. Some of us really root where we are planted, and it’s hard to pull up and move on, but take your time and choose carefully and you will find that place that speaks to your soul and gives you time for the other things you love. I’m claiming it for both of us. And having the support of your family helps a lot too. Best wishes to you! Keep us posted.

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    1. Oh I have been hoping for just the right family-and they ought to have kids! My husband that would have kept everything up and loved it-died so very young. This is not the place for an almpst 60 yr old woman who is not handy with tools! Thank you sweet Bernadette!

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  2. “I am not too old to dream, I have decided.” The heart of it all. We are never too old, or too young, to dream. Our path may not lead where we imagined, but, if we live with open eyes and hearts, it will lead us where we need to be. I am in a place I never thought I’d be ~ geographically, mentally, career-wise, everything. My garden is an array of pots outside an apartment door. I live alone, which I never even imagined doing. My dream is a cottage, nearer to my family, with time and money to be able to spend time with all the people I love. There are parts that are doable, parts that are not yet doable, but I honor the dream every day.

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    1. I never even imagined the kids growing up!what that really meant! Oh well-they did and thankfully we do live close and visit a lot. I still miss them like crazy though! I sure didn’t see a lot of things coming, it seems. I too, believe we are where we are supposed to be. I hope we both find our dreams coming true when it is time-I have never been so good at that either. I so loved hearing from you and send you sweet wishes. thank you Mona. xx

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  3. You’re going to enjoy house-hunting because your mind is steering gently around the bend. I pray finding the right place will bring you great joy. This I do know — your words will be woven together just as beautifully in a new rabbit patch as they are now.

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  4. As we age our persective evolves. Our vision of what is desired vs what we had to have has changed. We no longer cling to “stuff” to be content.
    As we age, God shows us that relationships and making memories trumps buying things and changing to all things new and in style. For we cannot take any of those things with us when we go to be with Him. And truth be known our children will not want most of our treasures. What is considered treasures in our generation is sometimes junk to them.
    Go where your heart takes you. Find happiness where your time can be spent making memories with those you love, for they are the real treasures!

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    1. pearls-your words are that timeless and precious. You are so right-I want and “need” less than ever before-as it turns out=”the greatest of these is love”. God bless you for your gift you gave to me.

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  5. I love the fact that you are waiting with “great expectation.” I have a “confident hope and expectation” that all your needs for a new rabbit patch will be met. I am confident that God has greater things in store than you or I could possibly imagine.
    This isn’t a closing it is a brand new opening….a new adventure that has God taking you by the hand and saying “come along with me….enjoy the ride.”
    Will be waiting for you to keep us posted :).

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  6. My eyes welled with tears as I read about your decision to leave the farm. My husband and I need to make the same decision soon. We have a big house with empty rooms too as the kids are grown. But like you I have faith that we will find just the right place. We have a couple years before we have to decide. I gives me a lot to ponder, where to live, but I agree that home is where YOU are! I can imagine you in a beautiful little cottage surrounded by flowers! 🌷…and maybe a rabbit or two.

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  7. I’m glad that you found this farm and have enjoyed living there for so long! But I also think you are wise to realize that it might be time to move on. When you are spending more time on maintenance than enjoying your family (and other projects you like) then it usually means it’s time to downsize. I bet you will find something you like just as much as your current “rabbit patch,” especially now that you are open to the move. Best of luck in your new endeavors, and I look forward to reading about them!

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  8. Once you’ve decided it was the right time to move, everything else will fall into place. You’re going to make new memories with Lyla and your children in your new home. It will be a sweet home too. You’ll see. 🌸🌾💜

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  9. I too have downsized recently, going from a smaller, much newer house and 1/2 acre of land to plant. I am much happier not spending time on fixing my 100+yr. old home, even though it held wonderful memories. It was much too big, beautiful Victorian, but not in this stage of my life. Its now for sale and I’ve moved on to my new place already; sans husband. So I have had quite a change in my life and embrace this change. Good luck with yours. Come see my new place sometime. I think you would like it.

    Cheers, Monica

    Monica S. Ferrari 252-975-1698

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  10. Good luck to you, my friend, as you begin to take steps toward finding a new home and yard filled with flowers, bird song, warm cooking smells, and family. I know that when you find it, you will create another welcoming home where your loved ones will gather because you are there. I hope you will share your progress with us.

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  11. God has His way when you get a thought that seems right …. Timing is everything… His time. We had thought some months ago that it was time to move where there was less to take care of and in March we decided to put our home up for sale hopefully by summer, it sold in the first two days. I imagine it may take longer for your type of property, but maybe not. I’ll say a little prayer for you …I know you likely have mixed emotions…. Diane

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